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Winning

I think about the future a lot.
I think about all the material things I want. The way I want my relationships with people to be, what I want to know and be able to do.

But now I'm asking myself why I want that future. I guess I have this notion these things and relationships will bring me peace of mind.

I see that a portion of this 'notion' is illusion. Maybe peace is found. Maybe you have to just get lucky.

Siddhartha's Struggle

I never feel like I'm telling the truth.

Life can be complex. Feelings and human things especially. By the time I describe precisely how I feel, my emotions will have changed.

My pains lie in discrepancies. The world I see and the world I want are different, and the discrepancy gives me a driving pain. The difference I see in the way I want to be and the way I really am induces a sinking pain.

I thought being more honest and self-aware would make the discrepancies clearer and easier to deal with, but that's not necessarily the case. I just see more and more differences between ideal and actual.

Why is it that discrepancy causes me such disturbance? Why can't I just accept discrepancy?

Paths

I've recently had the opportunity to work with power tools.

A lot of my studies seem abstract. Beatiful, but I work a lot with my head. To work with my hands trying to construct something almost as beautiful out of wood or metal is refreshing.

It's making the division between engineer and mathematician more evident I think. Part of me is interested in application. I find real-world problems fascinating. But part of me is curious. Mathematics does not limit itself to what is real, or even what's possible. Math seems limitless. And the more I see of it the more curious I become.

Unfortunately, it may be a dangerous road. You know what happened to the cat who got too curious.