Stupid

Just saw Good Will Hunting for the first time. Good movie and all, but I see this certain theme over and over in movies. And of course our culture has really adopted this theme, this idea that there are brilliant people who have proven advanced mathematical theorems and formulas and such and that they deserve all this merit for "figuring it out". That's bullshit.

I think: the math has always been there, it's here and will always be here. When anybody "proves" something, it's just wiping dirt off of what's already written in stone by... God, or the Universe or Nature. Whatever.

Another related rant:

I hate how school is done. I don't like the system and I hate how math is "taught". Teaching math is antiquated. Students of math should just be allowed to start at ground zero and explore math. We shouldn't be graded on correctness. We should really only have to be taught the notation. Everything else... we really need to learn on our own.

And what kills me is that professors and big whigs know this. They say stuff like, "You've got to feel the physics in your bones" and, "Derive this on your own to really understand what's going on". Okay. Thanks. I would. If I had time to do that. Instead I'm studying for some test because I want a good grade to get to the next math class for that one little dose of insight. That one drop of inspiration that I might hit in some textbook or some lecture.

"It is one of nature's ironies that delicate plants such as orchids or tulips require extreme care while weeds flourish with no attention at all."

- General Choi Hong Hi , Encyclopedia of Taekwon-Do

Initially, I liked this quote. As I started to think about it, I realize that it's not an irony really. The quote implies that orchids, tulips, "delicate" plants are better than weeds. But the only reason we think so is because they are delicate, precious, rare.

Kind of like how gold, diamonds, and platinum are so sought after. It's only because they're so hard to get.

I can feel it.

This is what I feel:
One day I'm going to be able to exhale all the fire I've been burning in.
Never soon enough but a day not too far away. Right now I feel like I'm going to perish in my flames. The only thing I hold on to is the fact that probably one day I won't have to burn. Instead I'll just be well-tempered. I'll be able to blaze right through all the shit.

My head tells me different: What I think I know is that you really just burn more and more as time goes by and the shit just piles up higher and higher. I don't know if this is true and I really hope it isn't. But it could be. I need to talk to more old people.

Mom.

I look at the clock and it's 4:40. I'm glad to be going to sleep. I'm actually glad registry called and said I don't need to come in. I hate using up sick days like this, but boy am I tired. I need the sleep.

I wake up to buzzing and ringing. I reach all over for my phone and I hope I don't get to it late. I hope it's not work calling. I really hope it's not the hospital again. I listen, "Carolyn?"
"This is she."
"Essie's not responding." Sigh.
"What happened?"
"She was okay, we had her down here in the cafeteria for breakfast and she blanked out and started just lolling her head around. We're pretty sure she's had another stroke. ... Mrs. Reed?"
"I'm here."
"Where would you like us to take her?"
"Well. Her records and her doctors are all at Skyline. Are you sure she's had a stroke? She's still not responding?"
"No ma'am. We put her back in bed, but we wanted to call you before we decided on anything."
"I don't live far away. Let me get dressed I'll be there in a minute."
Call ended. 7:30 AM.

Then I go and make some coffee. There's a kinda danger in the air. I know I don't need the caffeine you know? Even though I'm exhausted I feel awake and alert. It's been a weird day, actually. Time seems all distorted. Bits and pieces of my day have been re-arranged. Those 15 minutes felt like an hour. I went to sleep and woke up twice before noon. And when I saw the ambulance shaking side to side, and when that big ol' boy, that first responder from the fire department stepped out and walked to my car I thought he was going to tell me she's passed. But he said she'd just had another seizure and that they were going to go ahead and take her to the hospital.

I remember her shaking, really like convulsing and me holding her down and trying to calm her. The tech and the floor nurse at the old folks' home were scared away. Ahah. I told them to just calm down, this would pass. This is the first time I've seen her have a seizure though. She usually doesn't get seizures, she didn't last time. When she finally calmed down, she starting taking real short breaths. Cheyne-Stokes breathing, they call it. She had her teeth clenched real tight. I thought she was going to die right there. She was going to take her last breath there in my arms. She's a tough old bird.

We got to the hospital and she still wasn't responding. Not to anything. Wouldn't open her eyes or squeeze my hand. I told them what I wanted. What she would want. I won't let 'em intubate her. Lena went like that. She was just non-responsive, just a veggie. She could kind of raise her right hand and she would make faces, but she couldn't open her eyes. She couldn't see or talk or nothing. Four or five years she was like that. Eating through a peg tube until she just withered away. Mom saw that. We've talked about it.. it took me a day to decide. I decided CPR would be okay but I told them to not intubate. I don't want that, you know?

She didn't come around for two days. When she did, she started opening one eye. Her pupils still weren't even but she started talking. She knew who I was, she recognized me. Something took her back though. To a long time ago. She was mostly talking gibberish, but she was talking at least.
"Where do you think you're at mom?"
"Well. I'm on... second street."
"Um. Second street where?"
"I'm on second. Second and Fifth I believe."
"Well, you're in the hospital."
"Did you hear about Japan? I heard about what it is."
"Japan?"
"I heard about the bombs they're doing in the war. I heard 'bout Japan and how about the bombs.."
"Mm."

She talked about having a husband. I guess, her first husband back in Indianapolis. Then she kind of talked about work some. How she had work. About some red car she thought Brian might have bought or something. I tried to go along with her but it was just gibberish.